


while you sleep i'll be scared (by the time you wake, i'll be brave)

by stupidgaytree



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: ????????? I MEAN IT ENDS OK ITS JUST :( IN CONTENTS, Bittersweet, F/F, Gen, i hesitate to call this a fic about anxiety but it is certainly a fic about being scared, paranoia???, takes place in some amorphous time where the current monster is afoot but no ones chasing it ig
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-09
Packaged: 2020-01-07 06:09:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18404708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stupidgaytree/pseuds/stupidgaytree
Summary: Aubrey worries. A lot.





	while you sleep i'll be scared (by the time you wake, i'll be brave)

**Author's Note:**

> title from "I Will" by Mitski cause i read a really good tpp fic that was also titled after it and it made me wanna listen to it. at like 12 am last night. alls well that ends well

Aubrey worries. A lot.

It's easy enough to act like it's part of her whole hyperactivity deal. Reasonable enough that she gets nervous in high-stress situations -- because why else would they be called  _ high-stress situations _ ?

But she worries outside all that, too. Outside the monsters that she can hear and see and that can hurt her  _ now _ , outside the fire she holds in her palms  _ now _ . Outside the distance between her and her father  _ now. _ She worries about now, and she worries about then, and she worries about when, and she entertains what-ifs. Or at least, the ones that slip through. She knows better than to let the very worst ones distract her any more than twice a month. She can worry about those on her bimonthly breakdown days.

She worries that at any moment there could be another monster, hiding in the shadowy corners of the Lodge, whether its time or not. She worries that this monster has poison or mind control or telekinesis or, or, or-- and she worries that a monster has slipped through the cracks and escaped Kepler already if its even a little late in showing itself. She doesn't know if that’s the result of almost a full year and four monsters that just got worse and worse, or if it's an offshoot of the worries that have plagued her much longer. And that worries her too.

She puts on a magic show for the people in the Lodge, just a small one, and she  _ worries.  _ It's not her real magic, this is cards and flash paper and Dr. Bonkers (of course Dr. Bonkers), but she worries that she'll slip up. She'll get nervous, or more nervous than usual, and a real fire will start. Agent Stern will see it; she'll hurt someone in the Lodge; the whole town will hear about it; the Lodge will burn down. Game over. She finds it unfair that something so hard to control was forced on  _ her  _ while Ned and Duck and the rest just have to lie, but she worries about that too. Duck can't control whatever the hell is going on with him. Ned can't control that he ran into Sasquatch in an empty parking lot. The Sylphs can't control their fangs and their fur and their eyes and their  _ them _ -ness any more than Aubrey can.

Aubrey worries that she's cruel. So she stops thinking about it being unfair and reminds herself that she loves her powers, really. She does.

Even if they were how…

Aubrey worries that she will make more mistakes. Aubrey worries that she is more trouble than she's worth and tries to minimize it. Some days when everyone seems busy she puts Dr. Bonkers's harness on him, takes off into the woods for hours, and comes back only to realize that the Lodge worries too.

Her father worries, too. She knows that.

She worries that her father will look for her. Because if he finds her, what does she say?  _ Sorry, Dad, I know I totally jumped ship after Mom died, but it's cool because I'm hunting monsters now. Here are my friends who are aliens. _ She worries that he'll know and she worries that he won't, and she worries that she can't be forgiven.

(She tries not to think about whether she deserves it.)

She has smaller worries -- in comparison, and logically, though sometimes they suffocate her too. She worries a lot about Dani, for a lot of different reasons. She worries that Dani is only acting nice or that Dani has just never thought of her as anything more than a friend, or maybe as a friend at all. She worries that if worst comes to worst she won't know Dani well enough to save anybody -- and she worries about that book.

Aubrey is a worrier. Her mother used to laugh and press her thumb between her eyebrows and say,  _ Careful or you'll have worry lines by the time you're twenty.  _ She doesn't, though her mother never got to know that.

Aubrey is a worrier. And Ned is a coward, and Duck seems to have a breakdown every other day about his whole deal. So Aubrey takes deep breaths and flexes her fingers until they flicker with orange and red. She thinks about when this hunt is over, and she can cross one worry off her ever expanding list. Or, that's what she does on bad days.

In better times, it can help to think of the Lodge on a pretty day.

The garden in bloom, Dani smiling good-naturedly as she wipes a smudge of dirt from her cheek. Moira at the piano, playing whatever she's last come up with. Jake helping Barclay out with handiwork while he chatters about some snowboarding event.

In the best times, Aubrey can go to Mama. The letter is still folded in the breast pocket of her jacket, beginning to be worn thin. Aubrey doesn't take it out, though. She sits on the old creaky chair in front of Mama's desk and rests her face in her chin.

Mama glances up at her. “Hey, Aub. Somethin’ on your mind?”

“Hmm,” Aubrey says, “It's nice out today.”

Mama smiles. “Yeah,” she says, “S'pose it is.”


End file.
